Let’s Be Honest

Today I wanted to talk about something, that I couldn’t bring myself up to talk about before, but something that I think about almost every day.

The toxic and negative way people treat others, more specifically young plus size girls, as it was in my case.

I have never ever been thin. Since I’ve been a child I’ve been fat. I’ve been loved and well fed and it showed. Now, I would probably never think about it, or really pay any attention to it, had it not been for my family.

Here is a picture of my dad and I taken in 2006. Chubby bunny.

For as long as I can remember, I can hear my grandmother saying the words “you would be so pretty if you were thin” and I can still hear them clear as day. When I had friends over that we thin, after they went home she would say “oh my gosh she is so pretty because she is thin”. Since a very young age, I associated being thin with being pretty and hence, since I was not thin, spent my entire life thinking I’m ugly.

I spent years hating myself, hating how I look because I’m ugly. It fueled my depression and made me wish that I could be thin like other girls so I could be pretty.

When I grew up a bit, I started looking into the mirror more and more, trying to identify what exactly was wrong with me. Then I started hearing “don’t look in the mirror so much because you’ll see the devil”. Old Polish saying trying to discourage girls from being vain. But I wasn’t vain, I just wanted to know what was wrong with me.

After that I stopped looking in mirrors all together. When I got in the shower I would turn my gaze, I brushed my hair in my room, didn’t bother with make up because it wouldn’t help me anyway. When someone complemented me I would reply with “stop I’m so ugly”.

When I think about it now I want to cry. I want to cry for that poor little girl who hated herself so much, she couldn’t even bare to see her own reflection.

It took me literal years to accept who I am. And now when I look at myself in the mirror I see a friend, as opposed to something to hate.

Now, when someone complements me I smile and say thank you. I put on make up not to cover up how I look, but to make myself feel more confident. I put on a dress and think to myself “huh, I look cute in that!”

I’m not saying it’s the healthiest way to cope, but I found that if I make the fat jokes first, then I won’t be hurt if anyone makes them. People tend to laugh at them and I don’t mind it, I’m not saying them to hurt myself, but more of a defence mechanism. And for me, it works.

Do not mistake this for me being vain. Do not mistake anyone loving themselves for being vain, because you have no idea how long they spent hating themselves. It was a long, uphill battle that I still fight day to day, some days it’s easier than others, but honestly I can say that:

I LOVE MYSELF ❤️